So yesterday was a really bad day. A really, really hard day.
Since I’ve been working from home i have wondered if these days would happen. I wondered if the isolation would get to me or if loneliness would overtake me. But strangely enough, the things i imagined were the least of my worries.
I woke up in a funk. You know those kinds of days where you’re irritated before your feet hit the ground. That was me. I was sad, frustrated, irritable before any outside circumstances had a chance to cause me to feel that way. Instead of blowing it off and not worrying about it, i spent the better part of my morning wondering why i felt the way i felt and wondering why i was so tired and unconsciously worked myself into a tizzy.
Then my thoughts started racing. Oh sweet Jesus, boy did they ever race. I’ve struggled with obsessive thinking for as long as i can remember but the last few years, these obsessive thoughts have taken a darker spin, so when i begin to ride the mental merry go round with my inner demons, thats about the point i lose it. And i did. i straight up lost it.
i lost every bit of sanity i have worked so hard to achieve through counseling. i lost every tool my counselor has given me to handle days like yesterday. side note….. worrying about every feeling and thought is not one of them. But that is me. i worry about what i am worrying about. i fear my own thoughts and myself. Then i get frustrated with myself for being this way.
At the point i was in tears, i started talking to The Lord. I begged Him to take this anxiety from me. I begged Him to expedite my healing journey and just get to the point where I am free. But I also got angry with Him. I was mad I felt weak again. I was mad He allowed me to get to a point where I had to breakdown and call out for Him again. You see, I am ok with “needing” God as long as it leads to where I get what I want. When I pray, I want freedom now, not tomorrow. When I cry, I want Him to visibly show up in my room and hold me. I have high expectations. I know my God is capable of meeting them.
So I get upset when He doesn’t. I hate the part where He wants me to rely on His word & trust what He says about me and my life. Developing trust is not what I call a good time. I cant stand the middle ground of waiting and hoping and suffering and waiting some more. So I found myself asking for Gods help, but resisting the way in which He wanted to give it to me.
i think we all do that in some way. We want the peace of God but we dont want to do the work it takes to develop trust that leads to peace. We want freedom from our mental woes but we avoid digging deep and letting God point out the things that keep us in bondage. What we want is a spiritual genie we can call on to change our uncomfortable emotions the moment they become too much to handle.
I certainly hate the part where I need a God that will walk with me through the fire but chose not to put it out immediately.
This morning I woke up determined to not let myself spiral again. I knew the devil had his way with me yesterday. I knew he wound me up in knots of my own doubt and fear. So today, come what may, I was going to try to let it be. If anxiety comes it comes. If sadness comes it comes.
As I was finishing up some work, i decided to do one of my favorite things with God. Over the past year, I’ve made a “game” out of asking God questions, going to Pandora, hitting shuffle on my stations and letting God choose the song to answer me. It truly been one of the sweetest things I’ve done with The Lord.
So I said to Him “What do you want to say today? Today is your day. What did you make this day for?” and I’ll have you know that Chris Tomlin’s version of “Lord I need you” popped up on my Pandora! I laughed so hard. Irony of ironies.
I got the sense Jesus was saying “Today is the day you need me Amanda. Today is the day I want you to accept that you need me. You need me whether you can admit it or not. But your days will go so much better if you can relax into your dependence on me and allow yourself to sink into my arms and let me rescue you.”
Ultimately, we all do need Christ. We need Him to provide the very air in our lungs as much as we need Him for our sanity. But He will never force us to admit that. He will never force us to depend on Him and receive the power and grace He promises to those who do. (2 Corin 12)
So maybe today I will choose differently. Maybe today, I will stop expecting Him to show up in my room & miraculously heal me but instead, allow Him to change me with His word. Maybe today, we all can put down our defenses, pick up The Bible and see what God says.